Good morning to you all. I hope you all had a swell night. I did. Today’s wednesday and i have decided to publish one of the NSG journal series. Reading through this post for the first time might throw out of the window with laughter if care is not taken. So, sit tight, buckle your seat belt or chair belt, anything wey you dey seat on sha, and enjoy.
Disclaimer: adult words scatter the post ooo. Read at your own peril. No come form reverend sister with your comments oooo.
HERE YOU HAVE IT
Vagina is a sacred word at the best of times; having it
shouted by a six-year-old can only add to its
unutterable weirdness. So what did my mum call that
The back, the front, the middle and the holes were
nothing more than the BUMBUM. I was contented with the name. I mean, it was pretty easy to call it that whenever I was in the midst of my age mates and adults.
At that age, I was completely oblivious there were
over 5000 names for vagina and I’m sure they were
all given to us by men! I grew up and made best friends with one girl in my church. Her name is Omotola. Being a lazy person, Omotola is a 4 syllable word and it did strain my vocal cords. I needed something easy so I shortened
her name to Tola. The name ‘Tola’ got too common. I thought of adding a more personal touch to her name so I settled to called her ‘To’.
I was outside my church premises one Sunday when
our Sunday school teacher told me to call Omotola.
”To..To” I screamed at the top of my voice. One stern looking woman pulled my arms roughly. “Don’t ever say that word in public! Ever!” I got to know her reasons for that years later. My room mate walked in from the bathroom scratching her ‘thing’ while I gave her a queer look. ”I no no why toto just dey scratch me since morning” She cried out.
My biology textbook introduced it as the Vulva. Vulva
sounds like a name that originated from the Athens
(The Greek God of Vulva?). I’ve called it that name
with the six accents I have but it still won’t sound
appealing. Imagine a woman telling her husband
during their heat of passion. “Please put it in my Vulva”
That sentence is enough to kill the vibe.
I’ve never been a fan of cats. The image that comes
to my mind when the word cat is mentioned is a
scary witch that walks on four at night. Oh, Nollywood taught me that. In Hollywood, felines are sweethearts. Its common to see over pampered kids running around the house, asking their mum, “Where is my pussy?” You can imagine my shock when I was told what is between my legs is nothing but a synonym for ‘witch’.
Social media came and worsen matters.
If you log in there and call yours a Vagina, those
people might treat you like a picture of you is beside
the word ‘arcade’ on a dictionary. I don’t know about you but its totally unacceptable for someone to refer to my thing as ‘The Pussy’. If we had to pick names with references to animals, whatever happened to beautiful names like ‘The Peacock’?
There are other popular disgusting and some downright hilarious names for Vagina. The most annoying of them is The Cunt. The image that comes to my mind when the word cunt is mentioned is Mr Bean face. Funny enough, this word is used in dirty erotic magazines so I’m just going to pretend its foreign to Nigerians.
Honeypot: The origin of this name will forever
intrigued me. The first time I heard it, I had to taste
my urine. All I tasted was Salt. Why don’t they call it saltypot? Please let’s not get the bees angry.
The Box: The first day I heard of this name, I spent
all week looking for the similarities between the box I have and the box I kept my clothes. Whoever came
up with this name owes me an explanation.
That being sad, I spoke to a few friends concerning
this topic and I came up with these myths.
-For toddlers, its known as weewee.
-For kids below 9, its known as bumbum.
-For teens in secondary school, its best to call it
-If no man has seen it, call it the flower.
-When you are about to loose your virginity, it should
be called honeypot.
-After you’ve lost your virginity, it should be called
-If you’ve slept with more than 3 guys, it should be
-If you are a prostitute, it should be called cunt.
-Once it expands like a well, call it the box.
-Once it starts slacking (GOD FORBID mine), it should
be called toto.
-If you’ve sworn never to shave there, maybe
because you want to plant yams there in the bush or
God knows why, call it the cave.
-Once you get married, call it private part.
-If you are very generous with it, call it public…part.
-Once menopause hits, call it downstairs.
For the rest of us that don’t fall under any of the
above category, leave our ‘thing’ alone.
As lewd as this post may sound,i hope you do understand that the writer did not intend to portray femininity in bad light and no pun was intended. It was just a joke affair….lolz.
For more stories that touch…..http://naijasinglegirl.com/ awaits you.
Till tommorrow, remain blessed.