“Timi when are you gona start writting the epic series you promised?” I asked. ” Soon boss. I might hav hit my writer’s block. But very soon boss” timi replied.
That was a conversation that ensued between me and one of my amiable writers. Predominantly, he covers the politics section. But what actually captured my mind from the convo was the phrase “hit the writer’s block”. How woild i have known there was a block to be hit? Or what he meant by that. That spurned me to turn to my ‘tipetipe’ friend, Dictionary for assistance. Then and then, i realized sometimes the words wont just come no matter how much creativity a writer has gotten in his veins.
Goodday my friends and lovers of SMB. I have been away for too long i forgot what it feels like to type and edit. Not that any of this was planned, i mean my sabatical leave but it just happened and i felt the break was necessary. Have recieved calls and emails from both passive and active readers on when am goin to be back online. I sincerely appreciates everyone that cares to click on our URL for sightseeing or for excursion as the case maybe.
SO WHAT HAVE I BEEN UP TO?
I know you will ask, aproko. Anyways (in tonto dikeh’s tone), the time-off has afforded me to come out with a stretch plan of how SMB should look like. Dont fear, you are not gona contribute. Lolz. Have also taken the time off to surf almost all the blog/sites in our dear naija to access the content and structure preference of majority of nigeria’s internet users. Have also made some alliances (though i did that only in my head) with some other known writers via multiple exchange of emails and chats over time. Did i mention i stumbled on a few humor blogs and awareness sites that swept me off my feet????
WHAT IS UP NOW?
Uhmmmm as i knew that would be your next ‘kweshun’. Well, for now, nothing much except our epic 5-series to be published on politics, and a repertoir of NSG journal ; one of the alliances i mentioned, remember!! And probably lots of exposition on sundry health issues. So you see, it aint much but you can bet i got you covered.
SHALL I BEGIN…
Yea, NSG Journal is just one of the few humour blogs i stumbled upon recently. I juSt couldnt resist the temptation of fallin in love over and over again with its content and saying i laughed my ass and asses off would be an understatement. Chaiiii, d girl too funny. Yea i gerrit, you are already thinking probably am exaggerating the writer’s prowess abii….ok check it yourself @ http://naijasinglegirl.com/ . Sometimes i just feel my writtings are too officious and too non-humour inclined. And since i have declined not to engage in gossip or celebrity aproko or entertaiment blogging as linda would call it, i think )’all deserve some laughter too, atleast. So i dug into NSG journal and i found interesting stories that can kee even demons at bay while you laugh your intestines out…serioxly!. And am hoping you find as much joy you desire in reading my political opinnion, health tips, society expositions, academic info-orientation in this humor section which i have tagged “Repertoir of NSG Journal series”. Stay with me and read on.
I just pity them…whispering sweet nonsense in bed when their mates are out there making money I spent the whole of yesterday evening watching hollywood romantic movies. When I was done, I wept for my single status all night. I felt like I deserve to be arrested for being single. These Hollywood guys know how to make love/ dating look so beautiful. The images I saw of them kissing, holding hands, looking into each other eyes, whispering sweet nothings (what does that mean anyway?) will surely keep me depressed for days. When this mood eventually fades, I’m going back to the best movies
for single ladies, Horror Movies! As much as I admire those romantic nonsense, its difficult to practice them in Nigeria. Any girl/woman that complains her Nigerian boyfriend/husband is not romantic is simply callous.
Ladies, are you still looking for a guy that’s gonna spread red roses on the bed every night? Have you seen red roses before apart from hibiscus flowers? You still want to fall asleep with romantic candles around your bed like its a deliverance session? Do you know its really difficult, time consuming and
expensive to be romantic in this country? I know why I’m asking these questions. I’ve been there and as usual, I’m here to share my experiences. Aside the two and a half men I dated, they were several quarters I had. I choose to call them quarters (I’ll refer to them as Loverboys in all my posts)
because I never said yes to their relationship proposal. At the same time I got jealous whenever they were around other girls. I guess loneliness and fear of heartbreak were
responsible for this my despicable behaviour. Back then I had stacks of mills&booms novels. I loved Jack & kate kind of love.
I was a die hard fan of Romeo & Juliet. A couple of times, my obsession with the above characters had me speaking old English to my male admirers.
I wondered which guy would paint me nude like it
happened in Titanic without drugging and raping me
afterwards. I also liked how Jack in Titanic died for Kate like a
real man making it look like death is nothing. I wondered which Nigerian guy would volunteer to die for me. I wanted to experience those things I read so bad… My first fantasy was to lie by a natural waterside with my lover while we tell ourselves ‘sweet nothings’. We might even strip and dive into the water like it happens abroad. Then I remembered Loverboy like
most Nigerian men has a big tummy full of fufu. The pressure of the 15kg of fufu in his tummy might just drown him. Aside that, my enemies might be lurking around with camera phone waiting to take my nudes.
Okay, no diving! We’ll just lie by the waterside. I thought of a suitable beach we could visit. No idea so I googled the words ‘lying down with boyfriend in a Nigerian Beach’
-Two dead bodies found lying in Elegushi Beach
aftermath of severe tide.
-Boyfriend machetes girlfriend to death at a popular
beach in Lagos
-A dead fish suspected to be shark found at Beach in
-Birthday party turns mourning ground as a final year
undergraduate of UNILAG drowns in Beach.
Bad news in beaches.
Water might even wash us away while we are busy whispering sweet nothings. I didn’t want a situation I’ll lie on the beach sand with my lover only to open my eyes to see him in hell
while I’m chilling in heaven. LOL Whatever happened to those sort of cool deaths that ends with car chases, explosions in slow motion and several police helicopters hovering around one body? I thought of going for rivers. River Niger was the only River I could think of. It means we are gonna drive down all the way to Onitsha just to lie under bridge like refuges just
because I want to experience romance? The government even said Niger Bridge might collapse soon. What if it collapses on our head while we are busy whispering ‘sweet nothings’?
How am I going to explain what we were doing to Angel Gabriel when I arrive at heaven’s gate? I don’t even want to mention all the disgusting refuseby River Niger and other ‘yama yama’.
Love is not that serious so I ruled out rivers. Okay I was going to settle for streams, I thought. I called a friend that stays in the outskirts of town to enquire if I could visit their village stream for ‘romantic purposes’ ”My dear, you can go o BUT you are at your own risk o! I heard that’s where they do sacrifice to gods. Aside that, there is a harmless python that…”
”Okay okay okay! I don’t want to hear more” I cut her off at the mention of the word python. How am I going to explain the snake bites to my parents all in the name of romance?
Lying by the waterside in Nigeria✗
To be continued on next time…..…
Excellent story by NSG. You can visit her via http://naijasinglegirl.com/ (*i hope she will promote my blog too oooooo on her blog else investment don enter bush ooo, my people pray oo *)
Till tomorrow when i write your way again, always remember i love you more than my landlady, she cant just keep askin for my rent !!!!!!!!